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Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Why don't you write books people can read?

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

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The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

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Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

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I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

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In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

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Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

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The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

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If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

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The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

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I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

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Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

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If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

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